Friday, February 4


I've spent a lot of my life striving to be better, different, unique, excellent.

Some days I think I peaked in grade 8, when I won the citizenship, academic proficiency, and language arts awards at graduation.

I won a handful of music awards in high school, but, they kinda had to give me something, I was part of so many choirs and ensembles.

Then university, and the awards ceased.  There are a lot of spectacular over-achievers out there.  I had to become content with the As, knowing I'd done my best, but that other's bests were better.

And then I graduated, and got out of that system of constantly being measured, and realized that not much of it mattered.

But I still wanted to be special, and different, and respected, and valued for my unique awesomeness.
(which may or may not really exist)

And let's be honest, that's a big part of what this blogging thing is all about.  
It's all, "look at me in my genuineness and sincerity and see how I'm maybe just a little bit unique and cool."
Not that I try to be things I'm not, that's just it - it's just showing a peak at what really goes on, in my home, in my head, in my heart.  

And when it all comes down to it, sure feels good when people say they pay attention.
Feels even better when they like what they read - me.

And then, life gets the best of me, and I'm way too busy to blog anyway, even though it's one of the things I like most, and one of the things I'd most like to do and define myself by.
I dream about spending time designing a lovely site, and having faithful readers, and taking time to craft lovely words, and maybe even making a bit of money at it.

And it turns out I'm mediocre even at this.
Just like I am at that resolution thing.
And most things.

And the most important things.

I haven't prayed in eons.
I was trying to memorize scripture, but that fell by the wayside with this new busy schedule, around the same time mornings felt hard and that hop out of bed at 6am thing turned into a few extra snooze slaps followed by a mad dash out the door.

I feel like I have nothing to offer anyone - and I probably don't, seeing as I haven't allowed myself to be filled by the bounty that is offered by the only one who can fill me, the only one who's overflow can do anyone else any good.

And so, here I am.
Typing my selfish reflections to a wee audience.
Hoping for a bit of attention, some sort of response.

When really, I should be bringing them into the Light.
To the One who will always give me an audience.
To the One who will shape me and mold me into something beautiful.

For Him.

Not me.

And not you.


  1. I know how you feel, Rachel. I've been praying through this a lot these days. (And maybe for as long as I can remember.)

    For me, it's really hard to believe that God loves me. It's easy to believe that I need Him and I love Him, but to understand that God loves me with a love that makes me His daughter - that's really hard and I don't know why. I feel like learning this is supposed to take a long time.

    For a while, I knew I was supposed to understand this, and I knew that if I really did understand it I wouldn't feel like I needed anything. So the fact that I needed validation was an indication that I wasn't good at receiving God's love and shame on me.

    Isn't that messed up? I make receiving grace into a skill by which I can measure myself, which is exactly the opposite of the point.

    That being said, let me say this: You're really cool. I don't know you that well, but I always respected the way you welcomed people into your home, making a community out of a bunch of people with nothing to do. I like your blog because you're honestly struggling with concepts of grace within the Hamilton urban context. Also, the baby pictures are really cute.

    Thanks for letting me rant a bit. I hope this is a little relevant to you. Either way, writing it was a blessing to me, and I hope it will bless you too.

  2. This girl once said:
    "It’s okay. I know that you think I’m cool. I just don’t want to care so much. (Nothing’s cooler than not caring!)"

    way to ruin it by commenting and validating me in my quest for affirmation.

    and thanks. it was a blessing to me too.

  3. I cant remember the last time I went to church, worshiped in a church, or wanted to be in one. I havent been to queensway since I lost my grandparents, but I was going to my hubbys church and after a sermon that was given I never set foot in there again. Doenst mean I've stopped following.

    Mari-Anne :)
    That being said.....

    I think you're too hard on yourself. You have a young family, a wee one who needs you, a husband who needs you. All given to you by God. Just because you've fallen through on things doesnt mean anything. Sometimes thats the way the cookie crumbles. He's always there, always with you. Never upset that life happens... if life didnt happen, well we'd be pretty boring wouldnt we? He waits for you, knowing that in time you'll be back to doing what you feel you should for him. He gave you the family you have, the job you have, the life you have. So dont beat yourself up.

    I always read your blog when life isnt in the way and you get a few minutes to write.

    Enjoy your weekend with your family.

  4. I dont know how my name ended up in the middle of that when I put it at the end!!!

  5. Jared's immediate family holds a family devotional every two weeks in a chat client. They then email it out to everyone, for those who missed it, for record and for reflection. This week I found a part especially caught my eye. And after reading this, I thought of it again.

    B- "Sometimes we get so caught up in the day-to-day tasks that we forget that we need to be about the Lord's work - always! There is always something we can do - no matter how small it may seem."

    R-'Or sometimes just to remind ourselves that the day to day tasks ARE the Lord's work.'

    B- "Good point. I've thought a lot about that lately. Some days all I do is play games and read books with the girls -- taking time for my children is His work."

    R-'Well, it's especially true for parents. Even more especially for mothers, I think.'

    B-"When one of the girls asks me to do something with them and I'm in the middle of dishes or something, I have been stopping and spending time with them. It is a difficult task sometimes to remember that the chores can wait. Our to-do lists never get any shorter - but the kids sure do grow up fast."

    Being busy with your family, with the different parts of life, can still be for Him. Wanting to improve, wanting to be who He wants you to be, that will hopefully never change. But take comfort in knowing that even though there is endless room for improvement (since we'll never be perfect) you are still loved. You are still good. You still have great value to Him. Always and no matter what.

    I have such a struggle between what I want to be and what I feel I am. Being a perfectionist with very real limits is so... frustrating. Forgiving myself for not satisfying my perfectionist goals is always a struggle. Feeling so self centered, like I am so far off from what I should be doing. But I try to remember, even then, when I am being 'selfish' and trying to focus on something about me, it can be for Him too. If I am healthy and have energy, I can do other work for him. Getting healthy and getting energy can be part of that, for the long term goal.

    Trying to be satisfied with each day, being content with what has taken place and working to make that possible, is what I'm trying to focus on now. Instead of what hasn't been done, instead of the never ending to-do list. Looking at things from the other side in a way. (Hopefully) it helps.

    Take care,

  6. Hey Rae, I'd just like to thank you for your honesty. There's not enough of it in the Church today, and I really believe that being open about what's really going on in our hearts is the only way we can pray for and support each other like the Body of Christ is really meant to do. I often feel like you do in this post. Thanks for being willing to say it.


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